A Letter to the Japanese Immigration Bureau (from the desk of a frustrated foreigner)

Letters from Exile #4

Dear Guardians of the Paper Fortress,

Greetings from your rapidly shrinking nation! I write to you not with anger, but with the exhausted bemusement of someone who has spent almost as many hours deciphering your visa requirements than I have enjoying your beautiful country.

Let’s address the elephant in the depopulating room: Japan is disappearing. Your birthrate is a flatline - a negative actually. Your villages are turning into ghost towns. Your economy is eyeing the abyss. And yet, when foreigners—who actually want to live here, work here, and maybe even raise kids here—try to help fill those gaps, we’re met with a bureaucratic obstacle course designed by a sadist with a stamp fetish - even when we own a house (which by the way, thank you for the opportunity.)

A Brief List of Absurdities:

1. "You Can’t Work on a Tourist Visa" – Brilliant. So the millions of skilled foreigners who visit and think, "Hey, I could contribute here!" are legally required to… sit quietly and spend money until they leave. Economic genius.

2. "180 Days Max Per Year - or maybe only 90" – Ah yes, the perfect timeframe to almost settle in, almost build a life, and then—oops!—time to pack up and leave before you get too comfortable. Also, when you own a house in a dramatic four season climate like the one Satoshi Manor (my house) is in - you can’t really decide on two 90-day periods without condemning your house to falling apart. Nothing says "Welcome!" like an expiration date.

3. Business Manager Visa: "Show Us Your Stack of Cash or GTFO" – Because obviously, only people with ¥5,000,000 gathering dust in a bank account have good ideas. Forget hungry entrepreneurs—Japan only wants already-rich tourists who’ll open yet another English School and call it a "startup."

4. Startup Visa: "You Can Build a Company… But Not Earn Money" – Of course you want to encourage the Business Manager visa - but a startup needs the chance to fill the gap in between.This is Kafka meets Shark Tank. "Great pitch! Now starve."

The Irony Is Delicious - but Causes Indigestion

You’re hemorrhaging people. Your workforce is aging into obsolescence. Your solution? Make it impossible for anyone who isn’t a trust-fund nomad, a just out of college English teacher ready to be exploited, or a corporate transferee to stay long-term. And since the instructor visa doesn’t count towards the goal of a permanent residency - it’s not a long term solution anyway.

Meanwhile, countries with actual immigration strategies (Canada, Germany, Portugal) are scooping up the talent, the entrepreneurs, the young families—the exact people Japan desperately needs.

As to the spousal visa - most of the foreigners who I see staying her long term seem to have gone that route - but isn’t it a little bit troubling that your visa process is so difficult that far too many people suggested that I ‘just’ find a Japanese wife in order to stay here? I find that troubling.

A Modest Proposal (That You’ll Ignore):

• Let freelancers work legally without jumping through 17 flaming hoops. We’ll pay taxes and contribute to society.

• Give digital nomads a visa that lasts longer than a seasonal Starbucks cup and doesn’t have more crust in the bottom.

• Allow startup founders to, you know, make money from their startups.

Or don’t! Keep polishing your stamps, shuffling your papers, and watching your population wither. Just know that eventually the country will be too weak to defend itself and someone next door (like China) is going to move in and start colonizing. In fact - that’s already happening - look around..

Sincerely,
Another Foreigner Who Wants to Stay (But is having to pursue alternate strategies involving other countries - sort of like a spouse who has to look outside of marriage to satisfy their needs even though they don’t want to.)

P.S. The Hokkaido crows in my neighborhood have better long-term planning skills. Just saying.